Sunday, December 16, 2012

I Cried

Today I cried.
I thought of the parents who have presents under their Christmas tree. That will now be standing at a grave.
I can only tell you what I went through.
The night I lost my daughter. The day the world stopped.
I stood in the hospital and saw her thighs, purple, there was a part of me that knew..but my brain was way behind.. when the Dr. said she was gone... I watched my parents fall into each other crying. I sat in a chair and shook my head, as if I could shake it off. I remember my youngest son asking me what was going on... and I said " Alyssa died" but even then it wasn't real. It was a show I was watching on TV, it was a nightmare I was waiting to wake up from....IT WAS NOT REAL!!!

When they put us in the "family" room and came in to ask questions.. Her age, medical info,... really who knows... it hit me. I burst into great racking sobs.. my brain had caught up... "My baby.. My baby"

I remember riding home with my husband and youngest son.. but the very 1st year is such a's as if we all were grieving and living apart. I remember telling my oldest son that we needed to get through this together.

Honestly, we all grieved apart. That whole 1st year was mostly a loss of memory for me. Times of crying and times of solitude. Sometimes numbness... By the beginning of the 2nd year the full impact hit.

The world is wrong...

Today I cried..  not only for the babies.... but for the parents left behind.

My love to you. I wish I could offer more.