I Cried

Today I cried.
I thought of the parents who have presents under their Christmas tree. That will now be standing at a grave.
I can only tell you what I went through.
The night I lost my daughter. The day the world stopped.
I stood in the hospital and saw her thighs, purple, there was a part of me that knew..but my brain was way behind.. when the Dr. said she was gone... I watched my parents fall into each other crying. I sat in a chair and shook my head, as if I could shake it off. I remember my youngest son asking me what was going on... and I said " Alyssa died" but even then it wasn't real. It was a show I was watching on TV, it was a nightmare I was waiting to wake up from....IT WAS NOT REAL!!!

When they put us in the "family" room and came in to ask questions.. Her age, medical info,... really who knows... it hit me. I burst into great racking sobs.. my brain had caught up... "My baby.. My baby"

I remember riding home with my husband and youngest son.. but the very 1st year is such a blur..it's as if we all were grieving and living apart. I remember telling my oldest son that we needed to get through this together.

Honestly, we all grieved apart. That whole 1st year was mostly a loss of memory for me. Times of crying and times of solitude. Sometimes numbness... By the beginning of the 2nd year the full impact hit.

The world is wrong...

Today I cried..  not only for the babies.... but for the parents left behind.

My love to you. I wish I could offer more.

Happy Thanksgiving

America (Or The Good, Bad & Ugly)

marineparentsinc.com

I hate to get into politics. The fact is we all have our own beliefs and concerns but I find it upsetting how people are so sure they are absolutely right.  I have seen on my own facebook page.. disturbing posts.
Then I came across this... accident or protest..I don't know..click

I don't care who wins,or who loses ... me or you.. Congratulations.. good sport or sore loser......this is America .. we voted ..democracy.. freedom...  Now let's get on with it.

Wednesday Wildlife: Grouse

So I hear a loud thud coming from the back of my house. It's deer opener this weekend so I was wondering if someone shot our house. I go outside and there is this grouse laying outside our bedroom window. Poor thing broke it's neck ( I assume).

Slowing Down

This time of the year is always a crap shoot for us. We lost our daughter 5 years ago on her 15th birthday. Many people feel 5 years is a long time but for us it almost always feels like yesterday. So everything slows down or maybe it's just us that slow down.
This my way of saying sorry for disappearing at times. Sometimes I need to take a break to think or find something mindless so I don't have to think.
Alyssa's Memorial site

It's About The Money

I don't have a problem spending money frivolously. In fact I am good at buying things I don't need but really want. I, however, will complain bitterly about the cost of red peppers, coffee, soda, laundry soap and many other everyday things. I think I inherited that from my mom who refused to pay more than $1.00 for a head of  lettuce.

The only difference between a green pepper and a red pepper is how long you let it grow. If you leave a green pepper in the garden long enough you will  have beautiful red bell peppers!  I can get a green pepper for fifty cents and red peppers are over $4.00 a pound. For all I know they come out the same price because I have never weighed them. It's seeing that number four with the big dollar sign in front of it.

I started making my own laundry soap because spending $10.00 on soap seemed outrageous. I found this recipe on this site which I still use. Make your own laundry soap.

Then I thought if I could make your own laundry soap could I come up with my own dishwasher soap. Oh yes. There are a whole lot of do it yourself recipes online. I can't remember where I found this one but it works:
1 Cup Borax
1 Cup Arm & Hammer Washing Soda
1/2 Cup Salt (it's suppose to be coarse salt... I use regular old salt)
I add vinegar in the rinse do-hickey. ( you know what I mean?)

Then I found Pinterest! Oh, the ideas.
Fabric Softener- I don't add essential oils
Household cleaner(like 409)
and last so far:
I replaced my swiffer mop and having to buy those wet pads. I bought a O-cedar mop and make my own floor cleaner. I skip the essential oils, The vinegar smell doesn't last long and doesn't bother me.

One day I need to start a garden and grow my own damn red peppers.

Labs