I Cried

Today I cried.
I thought of the parents who have presents under their Christmas tree. That will now be standing at a grave.
I can only tell you what I went through.
The night I lost my daughter. The day the world stopped.
I stood in the hospital and saw her thighs, purple, there was a part of me that knew..but my brain was way behind.. when the Dr. said she was gone... I watched my parents fall into each other crying. I sat in a chair and shook my head, as if I could shake it off. I remember my youngest son asking me what was going on... and I said " Alyssa died" but even then it wasn't real. It was a show I was watching on TV, it was a nightmare I was waiting to wake up from....IT WAS NOT REAL!!!

When they put us in the "family" room and came in to ask questions.. Her age, medical info,... really who knows... it hit me. I burst into great racking sobs.. my brain had caught up... "My baby.. My baby"

I remember riding home with my husband and youngest son.. but the very 1st year is such a blur..it's as if we all were grieving and living apart. I remember telling my oldest son that we needed to get through this together.

Honestly, we all grieved apart. That whole 1st year was mostly a loss of memory for me. Times of crying and times of solitude. Sometimes numbness... By the beginning of the 2nd year the full impact hit.

The world is wrong...

Today I cried..  not only for the babies.... but for the parents left behind.

My love to you. I wish I could offer more.

Slowing Down

This time of the year is always a crap shoot for us. We lost our daughter 5 years ago on her 15th birthday. Many people feel 5 years is a long time but for us it almost always feels like yesterday. So everything slows down or maybe it's just us that slow down.
This my way of saying sorry for disappearing at times. Sometimes I need to take a break to think or find something mindless so I don't have to think.
Alyssa's Memorial site

Why?

I don't have any wildlife photos today. I have been going around in my head about things going on in my area. Because we live in rural MN the nearest town is 2 miles away and has a small grocery store, Post Office, Bar, and the Combo bait/cafe/gas station, Pop. about 770.  The next largest town, where my son goes to school, is 10 miles away and has a Pop. of about 3300. So when I say my local area the news runs in a wide circle about 50 miles in any direction, give or take.

Last week there were 2 couples that became a statistic. Murder-Suicide. It is unbelievable to me that this happens. I suppose because I have never been in a do or die relationship, while I love my husband, I don't believe that we can't live without each other. I could keep on going with the wondering but I think that sometimes in life there is no answer to the "Why?"

That question is always brought home to me. Through design or not. How did I get here? What decision did I make that put me here. What could I have done differently? If I did it differently where would I be? And the one it all comes down to... Would Alyssa still be here?

I don't believe that we can stop asking why or searching for answers. Human nature demands we search and try to find them. It is the only way to fix the broken. 

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."

Ernest Hemingway  A Farewell to Arms, 1929

Sorry not so light today!

A Bump In The Road

I have been struggling for the past few days. Since losing Alyssa I have struggled with depression and life in general. One reason I started selling online is so that when I need to sit down and cry, I can. I don't have to find a place to hide.

Some of this is just a daily struggle and some are things that come up during holidays, and other pending events. Today Brian is going to the cities (Mpls) to go to a news conference being held for Minnesota Dept. of Public Safety. He put up a memorial on their site and has put information in a pamphlet put out by them. He asked if I would like to come along but I said no thank you.
This is really part of how he copes.

This year will bring a whole new year of things we will miss out on. Her graduation from High School, and talk of college.As a parent we often think of milestones coming in the first few years of life. When Alyssa died I realized there a lot of milestone throughout life. Part of everyday is spent wondering and wishing.
The Star Tribune had a little news blurb here. Where you will see me responding to the people who feel that it is a waste of MN money.

I miss her laughter, I miss how she liked to be tease, I miss how she could make me laugh even when I was cranky.

I Love You and Miss You Alyssa.
http://minnesotacrashvictims.org

Until We Meet Again

I was going to post my recipe for Taco salad today. However, I started my day this morning the way I do every morning, watching HLN news. I saw a report on Southwest airlines holding a plane for a grandpa who was trying to get to his 3 year old grandson's hospital bed. They were going to take him off life support and grandpa wanted to say good bye. I can not say thank you enough to that pilot.
I lost my daughter to a car accident 3 years ago. It was her 15th birthday. I never got to say good-bye. This story makes me cry for the heartache of this family loss because I know the pain only too well. However I am so glad that grandpa will never have the regret of not saying "until we met again"

Alyssa's Memorial Site